i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Houston, we have a blender
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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