i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
