I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
