Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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