I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
