Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
