I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize