So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
