i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
