Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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