never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize