I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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