My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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