My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize