Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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