I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
