he puts the penis in happiness.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize