I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
