dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
