Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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