He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize