She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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