Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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