look no pants
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
