Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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