Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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