party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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