I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
