i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize