being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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