There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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