I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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