It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
