I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
