Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
