I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
