A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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