Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
