Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
