UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
