Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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