What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
