wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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