I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
