I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
