i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
