You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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