well I can't set my house on fire every night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
