Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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