I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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