worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
