it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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