Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
