Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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