I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
