Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
