Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
