You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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