Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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