I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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